anAezthesized...

anotheR kudoZ to liN xI (林夕) - the wonderfuL lyricizT~!!



"anAezthesized" (麻醉) bY fAye wonG...


perfectioN...whAt perfectioN?
if you don'T dAre to pursue...theN hoW wouLd i pursue?

i wannA do whAtever i wAnt...
if you do noT objecT...theN who wouLd dAre to objecT?

it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize my consciouznezZ...
it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize all mY sensAtionz...

embrAcing sorrowfuL ecstAticizm...
if you don'T feeL guiltY...theN i wilL not regreT it...

if mY glorY iz annihilAted...
theN juZ let me sleeP in peAce...
juZ let me sleeP in peAce...

it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize my consciouznezZ...
it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize all mY sensAtionz...

anywAyz both of uz wilL reAch the sAme end poinT thougH we trAvel on differenT routeZ..
if everythinG becomeZ plAin and borinG...
i won'T miNd abAndoning ouR triP hAlfway...

it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize my consciouznezZ...
it doezn'T mAtter...
it doezn'T mAtter...
plZ anAezthesize all mY sensAtionz...

...laa daa daA daa...
...laa daA daa daa...
...laa daa daa daA...
laa daa daA daa daa daaAaaaa...

my melAncholy - i wondeR whAt'z youR origiN?
i wilL not succumB to you...hoW wouLd i succumB to you?

gettinG drunK...i wannA get drunK...
eveN if it'Z juZ a glAzz of puRe wAter...


anAezthesized...
illZ...

wheRe am i stAnding...?

2 combO lectureZ todAy....and in betweeN lectZ, renatA introduced 2 songZ to me........:



"luckY" bY jAson mrAz fT. coLbie cAillat...

thiZ iz a lovelY sonG....beinG thAnkful to hAve fouNd loVe with one'Z bezT frieNd. iz it reAlly luckY to be in loVe witH youR bezT frieNd? hmM.....mAybe youR huzbAnd/wife wilL be youR bezT frieNd?



"wheRe i sTood" bY missY higginZ...

a verY sAd loVe sonG.....abouT givinG uP and lettinG go of youR loVed one to someoNe elZe who wilL loVe hiM/heR moRe thAn you cAn.................she sAng it in sucH a wAy...i cAn keeP loopinG it.


wonderinG wheRe i am stAnding?
illZ...

fAt tueZ...asH wedZ

me leArnt 4 cAtholic termZ yezterdAy froM Jo (mY currenT lAbber):

fAt tueZ
asH wedZ
pAlm sundAy
eAzter sundAy

i thAnk Jo cuZ he pAtiently explAined theM to me....oveR beeR yeZterday @ beN'z office... ;P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

todAy'z asH wedZ....and yezterdAy'z fAt tueZ. literAlly, it reAlly meAnt thAt a cAtholic hAz to eAt az mucH az he/she cAn to becoMe fAt........and theN stArve him/herseLf todAy (onlY 1 fulL meAl alloWed, and mAybe 2 smAll snAckz).....and @ the sAme tiMe, alloW a priesT to smeAr soMe asH on hiZ/heR fAce (foreheAd i suppoZe).

i fiNd it intereztinG to knoW eveN thougH i totAlly dizagRee witH the illoGicity of cAtholicizm.

the eveN more intereztinG thinG iz......pAlm sundAy iz liKe ~30 dAyz afteR asH wedZ and one weeK befoRe eAzter sundAy.......on pAlm sundAy, the churcH-goerZ wilL receiVe soMe pAlm leAvez (froM malAysia?!)....and theN at the eNd of the dAy the leAvez wilL be burnT, and the asHes kepT for the asH wedZ nexT yeAr!

thuZ, the asheS cAtholicz hAve on theiR fAcez todAy iz ~1 yeAr old - froM lAzt yeAr~!!!!

and whY??? of courZe alL theZe hAve to do witH Jesus righT? some storY....liKe wheN He arriVed? peopLe plAnted pAlm treeZ?

gosH....thiZ iz on pAr witH soMe ridiculouZ asiAn superstitiouZ behAviourz...

the onlY thinG i agRee with iz the concepT thAt asH iz to remiNd hiM/heR thAt in the eNd...he/she wilL returN to the grouNd az asH.... ; )

and of courZe....not alL cAtholicz are thAt obedienT...God shouLd do somethinG and mAke alL hiz believerZ behAve the wAy he wAntz - mAybe implAnt a progrAm in theiR brAinz, eh....don'T need to implAnt...juZ controL theM....controL everyoNe.........coMe controL me~!! righT? *woW, thiZ soundZ offensiVe...aiyAa.........*

nexT, i alSo leArnt thAt Mary and Jesus didn'T reAlly die.....theY "roze" to the heAven............................hmM, woW.

welL, thinK abouT yourseLf beinG strAnded in the vAcuum uP in outeR spAce - bAsic physicZ and pressuRe knowledGe wilL leAd you to bloodY dizgustinG imAgez...

me amAzed bY whAt humAnz cAn foRce theiR mindZ to accepT az hArd core fActz...


illogicAlity...cAn onlY be blindlY bliVed.
illZ...

"aM i righT, or aM i" wonG..?

me drAnk the sierrA juZ noW~!!!!


hahAaa......my alchY instincT + lucK led me to anotheR bottLe of nice nice sierrA nevadA todAy~!!! ^o^

beN (mY currenT professoR) requezTed to hAve our littLe weeklY chAt sessioN todAy insteAd of fridAy siNce our fridAy wilL be pAcked...it'Z theZe littLe sessionZ thAt alloW me to cAtch uP or knoW hiM betteR (and vice-versA) - thiZ iz a uniQue supervisor'Z approAch for me to experieNce az a grAduate studenT~

me currentlY in a creAtive beerY lAb~ and beN suggezTed whY not chAt oveR beeR? hahAa....so he hAd brooklyN whiLe i choZe sierrA (hiZ recommendAtion~!)~

and ben'Z trulY funnilY creAtive...cuZ he postZ everY lAbber on hiZ lAb websiTe...and inculcAte funnY (or sometimeZ lAme) quoteZ into ouR nAmez...hahAaa...

siNce my surnAme iz wonG, so he creAted my nAme to be - "aM i righT, or aM i" wonG..? kudoZ to beN~!!

i'M trulY glAd to be witH hiM for my 2nd lAb rotAtion...pluZ mY grAciouz mentoR - grAce - iz a nice girL too! if we stAyed too lAte...she'lL giVe me a ride hoMe siNce she knowZ my houZe iz not exActly in a sAfe areA...she'Z reAlly smArt and thinkZ verY fAzt~!! a greAt guide~!! kudoZ to grAce~!


hAppily beinG a rotoN~ ^o^
illZ~


p.S.: i don'T thinK anY currenT lAbber knowZ abouT mY bloG...hahAaa.....aiyAaa, thinK onlY a coupLe of humAnz reAd theZe anywAyz~

wAlking out of lectuRe + red wiNe...

the bAldwin piAno in the studenT lounGe...


todAy, i wAlked out of lectuRe afteR sittinG in for lezZ thAn 3 minZ.....theN sAt beside the aboVe piAno for a lonG whiLe.....wishinG i couLd plAy some sorrowfuL songZ on it - buT i cAn't.

i didn'T feeL liKe sittinG in lectuRe for 3 hrZ, and i didn'T hAve the mood.......thAnk God - everythinG iz recoRded.



the red wiNe dR. li and me gulPed dowN afteR dinneR~!!


afteR i finisHed my lAb...i cAme hoMe to mAke my simpLe sAndwich dinneR....and afteR finishinG, dR. li returNed and quicklY inviTe me drinK red wiNe he broughT froM neW jerseY witH hiM.............

welL, thougH i promiZed my pArentz and adAm not to be a littLe alchY, buT i figuRed it'Z perfectlY sAfe to drinK @ hoMe, and it'Z onlY red wiNe....pluZ i'M kindA deprezZed......so i trulY need the alcohoL to kicK awAy my sorroW.

i eNded uP drinkinG mosT of it...we concluded i drAnk 60% of it...buT i thinK the wAy he pouRed it..........i drAnk 70% of the bottLe.

i'M stilL quiTe sAne, thAt'z whY i cAn stilL bloG thiZ entrY. buT scieNce allowZ me to knoW thAt alcohoL iz actuAlly a depressAnt - juZ googLe or wiKi for it if you'Re interezTed.


argH, whY am i aliVe?
illZ...

flY me ouT of thiZ lAnd...

"creeP" bY sodAgreen (concerT versioN onlY)...


plZ don'T mizlinK the "lAnd" i'M referrinG heRe to the stAtez or bAltimore or singApore or any piece of physicAl lAnd......

it referZ to a psychologicAl dimensioN - the lAnd of mizerY.

az sodAgreen singZ it so emotionAlly - i don'T belonG here!! whAt the helL am i doinG heRe? i'M not speciAl enougH to be heRe. i'M not fuckinG speciAl enougH to be trApped heRe!!!

if there'Z a God, whY not sAlvage all the mizerAble soulZ in thiZ lAnd unconditionAlly witH youR almightY powerZ? or perhApz i'M the onlY one trApped here noW.....theN whY did you leAve me out? whY?? bcuZ i cAn't floAt like a feAther???? bcuZ i don'T hAve a perfecT souL???!! bcuZ i don'T hAve a perfecT bodY???!!!!

or simplY bcuZ i'M a creeP? >.<


...
illZ...

wishinG foR a piAno to crY foR me...

quotinG xiAnning - "i do noT crY - mY piAno crieZ foR me"....

righT noW i wisH i knoW hoW to plAy the piAno...pluZ i hAve a piAno...pluZ i compoZed the sAddezt soLo sonG eveR...and alloW mY piAno to crY for me whiLe i keeP plAying the sAme song over and oveR agAin....

depressinG thoughtZ dwelL and lingeR and blooM in mY miNd... >.<

howeveR, there'Re alwAyz 2 sideZ to any coiN...and hAppy thingZ thAt hAppened would be thAt i juZ settLed the presentAtion of mY 1sT lAb rotAtion durinG todAy'z depArtmental luncH - mY presentAtion wAz greAt! mY 1sT supervisoR whizpeRed "wonderfuL joB!" to me oNce i compleTed the presentAtion...;P

mY 2nd rotAtion iz cooL~!!

.....and alSo thAt i cooKed a reAlly nice dinneR for myseLf eArlier on...witH mushrooM souP and honey-coAted noodleZ... ;)


shAll be piAno-ing in my dreAmz...
illZ...

cryinG in my dreAm...

googLed "crying dreAm" and fouNd thiZ imAge...


do you bliVe in youR dreAmz..?

do you bliVe in youR sAd dreAmz..?

righT now, i do noT wisH to bliVe in my sAd dreAm:

i wAz flAshed bAck to my livinG rooM in singApore....chAtting witH my brotheR tellinG hiM thAt i finAlly returNed hoMe for my holidAy froM the stAtez...

theN he suddenlY toLd me abouT a verY sAd newZ abouT one of mY auntZ (mAternal) to me...and theN i asKed hiM firmlY whY telL me onlY noW?! i forgoT hiZ answeR....buT i remembeRed hoW immediAtely i wAz teAring and sobbinG and juZ..........welL, the sAdnezz wAz overwhelminG...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i hAve alwAyz felT guiltY abouT unablinG to communicAte witH my mAternal relAtivez siNce i wAz depriVed unknowinglY and unwillinglY from leArning teocheW (mY mAternal fAmily'z diAlect) wheN i wAz verY younG......sigH, thAt'z one of my life regretZ.

and the mAternal aunT in my dreAm iz a very nice aunT....she wouLd cooK my fAvourite food for me when i visiT her......now i'M so fAr from heR.....

the scAry pArt iz....i reAlized she'Z sufferinG from pericArditiZ righT noW....cuZ my pArentz told me oveR webcAm yezterdAy! theY were surpriZed i suddenlY asKed abouT heR.......

doeZ my dreAm signAl anythinG in reAlity? i hoPe not.... *keepinG fingerZ crozZed*

more sAd newZ froM my pArentz about my betteR relAtivez are all 3 of mY betteR relAtivez are verY ilL now.....queueinG for surgerieZ and etc....one iz the aboVe-mentioned aunT, the otheR 2 are my pAternal aunT and uncLe....botH strucK bY cAncer....

gosH, i prAy for theiR physicAl and finAncial strAinz....

;(

i consideR myseLf unluckY cuZ not alL my relAtivez are good peopLe, and i'M glAd to hAve severAl good relAtivez......buT...all in alL:

whY iz life liKe thAt?

liKe in a dramA shoW - the kiNd chAracterz alwAyz get bullied and suffeR the mosT..........

noW i hoPe it'Z trulY liKe a dramA shoW - where eventuAlly...the kiNd chAracterz all wilL hAve hAppy endingZ....


cryinG in my dreAm... ;(
illZ...

yelloW bAlloon~!!

hahAa...wenT to a thAi reztAurant yezterdAy to celebrAte renatA'z bdAy...and it wAz amAzing!!

thAnkz to tizzY for the rideZ to and frO....and alSo the nice bAlloon she and dArshil gAve me to mAke me smiLe...hahAa.........


bAlloonily,
illZ...

trAnzlating fAye wonG...

a voice cAught my attentioN siNce i wAz 12....and i simplY loVe her voice so mucH.

she iz fAye wonG...

and heRe i trAnzlate 2 of heR very clAssic loVe songZ.....and the 3rd sonG'z an intereztinG one thAt i cAn keeP loopinG...

1. 我也不想這樣 = unwishinG for thiZ
2. 懷念 = missinG you
3. 催眠 = hypnosiS

the lyricizT iz simplY amAzing. i thinK all of theM were penNed bY liN xI (林夕) - kudoZ!!


我也不想這樣 = unwishinG for thiZ


suddenlY, withouT any reAzon...
i won'T be sAtizfied witH anY surmounT of loVe...
thinkinG of hoW you looK....untiL youR imAge becomeZ bluR...
unconsciouzlY i aM poisoNed by you...

suddenlY, i yeArn for protectioN...
whAt if the worLd disAppearz in an instAnt?
whAt if you bAck out...?
i'M onlY wonderinG whAt if...

it'Z not thAt i don'T understAnd...
i juZ wannA visuAlize more cleArly...
buT thoughtZ of you becAme blurrY insteAd...

the moRe i cAre for a particulAr persoN..
the moRe tendeR i cArezz thAt oNe persoN...
buT i cAn't eveN retAin a singLe kizZ...

unwishinG for thiZ...
repeAtedly...
anyAyz everyone'Z gonnA be aloNe in the eNd...
youR hAppinezz equAtez to my sorroW...
wilL it helP if i depArt froM you?

unwishinG for thiZ...
unsteAdily...
anywAyz everY relAtionship equAtez to lonelinezZ...
reAlizing thAt love'Z becominG a burdeN...
it'Z all mY fAult cuZ i yeArn too mucH for youR protectioN...



懷念 = missinG you


encloZing myseLf in a fulL rooM of insufficienT oxygeN...
tippinG the cigArette...
recAlling youR breAth...

scourinG in mY miNd...for ouR incompleTe conflictZ...
(scAttering all oveR my flooR......the intermittenT riddleZ...)
mumblinG to the aiR...mY rebuttAlz to youR doubtZ towArdz me...

rejectinG everY genuiNe reunioN witH you...
lockinG myseLf in mY worLd...anticipAting newZ abouT you..

seLf-smilinG oveR...the atrrActivenezz of mY rejectionZ..
(flippinG and turninG arouNd...enjoyinG the sweetnezZ of youR doubtZ...)
leAving no trAcez of me...enjoyinG mY diztAnce froM you...
(purpozelY beinG secretiVe...prolonginG youR curiositY...)

mAybe i liKe to mizZ you...
moRe thAn seeinG you in persoN...
mAybe i reAlly liKe to imAgine you..
moRe thAn possessinG you...
(cAn't stAnd it anymore...mAybe we'lL trulY meeT uP!)



催眠 = hypnosiS


the tAzte of mY 1sT piece of cAke...
(the 1sT tiMe i kizZ someoNe else'Z lipZ...)
the consoLe giveN bY mY 1sT toY...
(the 1sT tiMe i felL ilL and need to consuMe medicAtion...)

the suN rizeZ...
the suN setZ...
the ice-creAm dropZ a teAr...

the tAzte of mY 2nd piece of cAke...
(the 2nd tiMe i kizZ someoNe else'Z lipZ...)
the consoLe giveN bY mY 2nd toY...
(the 2nd tiMe i felL ilL and need to consuMe medicAtion...)

the stronG wiNd blowZ...
the stronG wiNd blowZ...
the popcorN iz simplY beAutiful...

froM the beginninG to the eNd...
who did i forgeT..?
who did i recAll..?

froM the beginninG to the eNd...
i gottA counT oNce agAin...
i gottA counT oNce agAin...
did i wAzte awAy anythinG?

suddenlY the skY lightZ uP!
suddenlY the skY turnZ dArk!
plentY sucH queeR phenomenonZ..

depArting and flyinG higH awAy...
foR one-two-thRee yeArz...
foR fouR-fiVe-siX yeArz...
foR thousAndz of yeArz...

froM the beginninG to the eNd...
who did i forgeT..?
who did i recAll..?

froM the beginninG to the eNd...
i gottA counT oNce agAin...
i gottA counT oNce agAin...
did i wAzte awAy anythinG?


unwishinglY missinGlY hypnotiZed...
illZ...

a speciAl dAy - 19 februAry 2009

todAy'z a reAlly speciAl dAy - 19 februAry 2009...

i wAz rushinG arouNd the whoLe dAy....and lAbbed reAlly lAte for mY trAnzfection....and finAlly got bAck hoMe...

me reAlized i didn'T hAve dinneR.....and i do noT feeL liKe eAting aT alL............

izn'T thiZ speciAl? ^o^

anywAyz...adAm dropPed by peAbody for a coupLe of dAyz and i meT uP witH hiM to cAtch up on hiZ fAbulouz life in floridA.......me hAppy and glAd for hiM....now theN i knoW hAving a succezzfuL muzicAl cAreer iz mucH more enjoyAble thAn a scieNtific cAreer........but of cuZ i loVe scieNce~!!! ^O^

i wisH i hAd the chAnce to be a muziciAn too. i looK forwArd to leArning piAno...sooN!! ;)



thiZ iz the nice dinneR adAm requezTed foR me to cooK yezterdAy~! ;P


and....finAlly....i stArrified my rooM ceilinG~!!!!!!


mY stArry rooM ceilinG....


a dAy to be remembeRed...
illZ...

aloNe on vAlentine'Z...

"aloNe on vAlentine'z" - a videO bY epiphAnized.


welL, for us lonelY peopLe in bAltimore....hAng-ni-mah, kahsuaN, and me teAmed uP to grAcegarden @ annapoliS to enjoY the nice nice smoKe teA ducK~!!!!! loL.....thiz 3-dAy preordeR disH iz seriouzlY deliciouZ...checK my fAcebook for photoZ~! ^O^

hAppy vAlentine'z and hAppy friendshiP dAy~! ;)


feelZ so fAt now...
illZ...

mY littLe univerZe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HiN1CjaAGA
"littLe univerZe" bY sodAgreen... (i cAn't find the embed versioN)

argH, i suddenlY feeL thiZ mentAl dizturbAnce of mAdnezz....so i'M blAsting thiZ sonG............musicinG myseLf into my littLe univerZe.


...
illZ.

undeR-the-seA tunneL~

hahAaa.....thinK drivinG undeR the seA wAz intereztinG so i tooK a videO whiLe hAnd-ni-mah wAz drivinG~


so, we juZ compleTed the pAthwayz midterM exAm!!!!!

and me and hAng-ni-mah wenT to costcO and h-mArt for grocerY retAil therApy.....but thAt'z after i settLed soMe lAb thingZ righT afteR exAm~!!! ^O^

meAnwhile......i sAw thiZ @ h-mArt:


dried pArsimmonz!!!

pakpAk loveZ to eAt pArsimmonz.....................


so tiRed...
illZ...

littLe alchY~

seArched for "ruM with coKe" on googLe imAge... ;P


2 ruM witH "dieT cocK" + 1 whiTe wiNe + 1 bud liTe + 1 moRe ruM witH "dieT cocK".......5 drinkZ in a roW, and thAT mAde me sooooO tipzY....hahAaaa...

wAz welcominG recruitZ for the pAthobio progrAm for the pAst 2 dAyz...and hAd fAntastic dinneR witH drinkZ too!!

and yeZterday....due to the luRe of an opeN bAr, me kepT orderinG alcohoLic drinkZ.......gosH. the ruM wAz liKe 40% of the glAzz - whAt a generouZ bArtender! i feeL guiltY cuZ me and tizzY kindA got the drinkZ togetheR hahAaa...buT i ended uP drinkinG more thAN her...and she goT tipzY too... ;P

adAm juZ cAlled to checK in......i apologiZed to hiM abt the tipsinezZ and he cAlled me a littLe alchY~ welL i feeL so guiltY cuZ i kneW he wouLd scoLd me agAin if he'Z stilL livinG heRe in chApel...juZ liKe the pAst. welL, he reprimAndz me cuZ he emphAsized on sAfety.....yupZ, i shAll prevenT myseLf froM gettinG into troubLe. i promiZed hiM not to overdrinK agAin, or mAybe i shAll not drinK anymoRe. ; )

okAi - no more drinkinG so mucH......i hAd to drAg myseLf up the stAirz to my rooM...duH......and i'M trulY glAd i hAve greAt pAthobio mafiA to keeP me sAfe whiLe i'M tipzY - especiAlly hAng-ni-mah....and thAnkz jAckie and luckY for snAtching awAy my 5tH drinK froM me! ;)

buT i wAz glAd thAt dezpiTe sleepinG @ 2aM, i stilL manAged to wAke @ 730aM to go hArvezt viruS pArticlez in the lAb witH grAce (mY currenT mentoR!)~ hahAaa...

aH........i'm tmtH - too mucH to hAndle~!


alchilY,
illZ...