the perfecT sonG... 2.99999999~

there are severAl live performAncez of thiz song by The Drifters on YouTube...but thiz one iz trulY the besT:



"sAve the lAst dAnce for me" - The Drifters.


everY woRd...everY noTe...iz simplY perfecT.


totAlly lovinG motowN~
illZ.

undercurrentzzZ...

"undercurrentzzZ" - fAye.


"
eveN thougH you cAn't see the crAckz in the deeP bLue skY...
my miNd iz stilL shRouded by dArk cloudzzZ...

eveN thougH the diM lightinG in my houZe cAn't penetrAte my opAque bodY,
i cAn cleArly see the reflectioN of your heArt.

my bodY sinkzzZ deepeR az my smokeY breAth riseZ...
remindinG myseLf how mucH i uzed to yeArn beinG neAr you.
my fAte witH youR heArt, youR eyeZ, youR moutH, and youR eArz...
simplY slipPed awAy from me.

i feAr the repetitioN of my trAgedy.
in my shorT life...
the moRe beAutiful somethinG iz to me...
the moRe forbiddeN it wilL be for me...

the hiztorY iz repeAting itseLf...
in thiZ troubLed noizY chArm citY...
insensibLe undercurrentzzZ are floodinG my miNd.

actuAlly...my affectioN for you iz futiLe.
wilL i loze you if i hoLd you tightlY thiz tiMe?

i simplY silentlY awAit for you to telL me...
to not fAll in loVe witH you.
my premonitionzzZ for everythinG are alwAyz correcT.

i don'T wannA opeN my eyezzZ..
to see the arrivAl of thiz inevitAble fAte...
to oNce agAin see the dArk cloudzzZ swArm up my teAry skY...
"


aem yoonG.
w.h.Y?

i senT a lovemAil to my inboX.

yupz, i senT an emAil to myseLf tonighT.

it iz verY differenT to actuAlly tyPe out whAt i hAve beeN tellinG myseLf in my miNd.

az if......a figmenT of my imAgination hAz mAterialized...digitAlly.

kY toLd me befoRe...perhApz i shouLd wriTe dowN whAtever unhAppinezz i hAd on a piece of pAper, and theN teAr it up and trAsh it. thAt waz a whiLe bAck...wheN somethinG thAt botheRed me aloT wAz throwN in my fAce durinG a huGe quArrel.

of courZe, i didn'T do thAt.



"love letteR for myseLf" bY fAye wonG.

"
the higheR your expectAtionz...the loweR you degrAde yourseLf.
~~~
to consoLe yourseLf...
you hAve to seriouzlY remembeR your hAppy momentzzZ...
to loVe yourseLf...
iz a principLe you picKed up froM the flooR of life~
~~~
writinG thiz elegAnt loVe letteR...
uzinG wordzzZ spokeN to myseLf...
uzinG it az my heAvenly booK...
if i don'T loVe myseLf...
how do i fAll in loVe?
hoW do i pAzz on pozitivitY to the one i loVe?
~~~
plz don'T be sAd...
i wilL alwAyz idoliZe you...
if you wAnt moRe sympAthy...
theN you hAve to firsT instAll a firsT aid boX.
~~~
whAtever you do...
don'T expecT prAizez.
you hAve to stAy stronG untiL the end...
and theN you cAn extend your concerN to the otheR...
~~~
you hAve to throW awAy the toY in your hAnd...
so thAt you cAn leArn how to sleeP peAcefully...
afteR crAwling througH the deepesT trencH...
you hAve to unwillinglY belieVe the goldeN wordzzZ fouNd withiN the miRe.
"

tonight'z a speciAl nighT, cuz i am inveztigAting whetheR the cAuze of my hivezzZ iz in my houze. and here i aM, bunkinG on the futoN in bhoP'z office.

the hivezzZ are seriouzlY botherinG me...and i am stilL puzzLed and helplezZ.


lovemAil,
illZ.

alL i knoW iz i juz wannA knoW you betteR now~

hAd an unfortunAte stilL unexplAnable suddeN outbreAk of hivez 3 dAyz ago?

thiz iz the 1sT tiMe in my life to hAve hivezzZ....wheN i woke on sAt to a flourisH of hivezzZ...i droVe to the clinic immediAtely to see a doctoR. :(

it'z stilL persistinG now...and i stilL hAve no ideA whAt the cAuze iz...whAt the helL am i allergic to?!

whiLe drivinG to the Patient First...the rAdio plAyed thiz sonG:


"everythinG hAz chAnged" bY tAylor swifT ft. ed sheerAn.

"
alL i knoW thiz morninG wheN i woKe...
iz i knoW somethinG now, know somethinG now, i didn'T befoRe.

...

cuz all i knoW iz we sAid "hellO"...
and youR eyez looK liKe cominG hoMe.
alL i knoW iz a simpLe nAme...and...
everythinG hAz chAnged...

i juz wannA know you betteR...knoW you betteR...knoW you betteR now.
i juz wannA know you betteR...knoW you betteR...knoW you betteR now..
i juz wannA know you betteR...knoW you betteR...knoW you betteR now...
i juZ wannA know you...know you...knoW you...
"

remindzzZ me of how i toLd sfG...hoW mucH i knoW of a persoN dependz on hoW mucH he/she iz willinG to divulGe/shAre with me. cuz...i stilL felL like i don'T knoW sfG at alL. thougH he clAimz i knoW everythinG about him and thAt he'z an opeN booK...he reAlly iz an opeN booK of blAnk pAgez~

in my shorT life on eArth, i will neveR knoW soMe peopLe at alL...

and for thoze peopLe...i hoPe they do hAve at leAzt someone who theY feeL comfY lettinG theM knoW themselvezzZ az who theY simplY are.


alL i know...iz all i knoW~
illZ.

wrecKed.

repeAted thiz sonG in the tissue cultuRe rooM...and kY asKed me whY am i repeAting sucH a sad sad sAd sonG?


"wreckinG bAll" live by mileY cyruZ.


"
we clAwed we chAined our heArtz in vAin...
we jumPed.
never askinG whY.

we kizzed, i felL under youR spelL...
a loVe.
no one couLd denY.

don'T you eveR sAy
"i juz wAlked awAy...i wilL alwAyz wAnt you."

i cAn't live a lie...
runninG for my life.
i wilL alwAyz wAnt you.

i cAme in liKe a wreckinG bAll...
i neveR hit so hArd in loVe.
all i wAnted waz to breAk your wAllz...
all you eveR did wAz wrecK me.

i cAme in liKe a wreckinG bAll...
yeAh i juz clozed my eyez and swunG~
lefT me crAshing in a blAzing fAll...
alL you eveR did wAz wrecK me.

yeAh you...you wrecK me.
" 

i thinK the mAjority of the mediA iz slAshing mileY bcuz of the wreckinG bAll MV.

yez, it wAz outrAgeouz...the nuditY etc.

but seriouzlY, lizteN to the sonG, listeN to the emotionAl lyriczzZ...listeN to the emotionz in her voice.

it'z abouT the honesT sAdnezz and hAtred and shoutouT of lozinG a loveR.....for whAtever reAzonz......thAt waz a lopsided unworthY relAtionship thAt crAshed liKe a wreckinG bAll.

buT stilL...the loVe persistZ...

you neveR know who you wilL fAll in loVe witH...and you wilL neveR know who wilL fAll in loVe with you. no mAtter who witH who....juz go for it and hope for reciprocAlity, but neveR expecT reciprocAlity...bcuz loVe should hAve no expectAtionz.

buT, there iz alwAyz hoPe.

and...there'Z alwAyz an exceptioN in life......the outlieR...thAt you simplY knoW you hAve to trY your besT to not fAll in loVe witH.


simplY unsimplY bcuZ it'z loVe~
illZ.

iz enougH enougH?

thiz song iz trulY timelezz...witH meAningful lyriczzZ:

"the sigN" by Ace of Base.


"
i...i got a neW life.
you wouLd hArdly recogniZe me - i'M so glAd...
hoW couLd a persoN...liKe me cAre for you?
whY do i botheR?
wheN you'Re not the oNe for me...
iz enougH enougH?

...

undeR the pAle mooN...
for so mAny yeArz i'Ve wondeRed who you aRe...
hoW cAn a persoN liKe you brinG me joY?
undeR the pAle mooN...
wheRe i see aloT of stArzzZ...
iz enougH enougH?

...

i sAw the sigN...
and it opeNed up my miNd.
~
i sAw the sigN...
and it opeNed up my eyezzZ i sAw the sigN...
no one'z gonnA drAg you uP...
to get into the lighT where you belonG.
but wheRe do you belonG?
"


iz enougH enougH?
illZ.

plz be hAppier thAn me~

chAnced upoN thiz sonG by dAniel chAn...i alwAyz lizteNed to hiz "xiN you du zhonG"...but thiz one hAz so mucH more sacrificiAl meAning:



"比我幸福" bY dAniel chAn.


"
lookinG at the clocK on the boulevArd...
we'Re stilL shelterinG ourselvez from the wiNd in eAch otherz' armZ...
stilL adApting to our sileNce...
wonderinG how we understood eAch otheR withouT wordz?

hugginG you at thiz momenT...
i guezz thiz inferz ouR beginninG and our eNd.
there'Re mAny kindz of welL-wishingZ...
and my heArt achez in sileNce.

plz be hAppier thAn me.
to mAke it wortH it for me to sAdly quiT from your life.
hurT withouT any complAint...
our loVe doezn't need to be supplemenTed witH an apologY.
at leAzt i cAn alloW you to fulfilL your dreAm.

plz remembeR you muz be hAppier thAn me.
to mAke it wortH it for my self-inflicTed crueltY.
i silentlY countdowN...
untiL the eNd wheN i cAn see you cleArly agAin...
seeinG my blurrY reflectioN in your beAutiful eyezzZ...
slowlY beinG let go.

plz go afteR your hAppinezz withouT any concernz...
abouT me.
"


bi wo xinG fu,
illZ.

omY.

usuAlly, afteR my seAview ruN @ Fort McHenry...i would be lyinG down in the shAde of a tree...feelinG the grAzz and listeninG to the soundz of wAvez.

but i plAyed a sonG on my phoNe the otheR dAy insteAd...whiLe lookinG @ the cloudzzZ througH the cAnopy.

a sonG whicH emerGed froM deeP in my memorY vAult:


"officAlly missinG you" by tamiA.

"
welL i thoughT i couLd juz get oveR you bAby...
buT i see thAt'z somethinG i juz cAn't do.
froM the wAy you wouLd hoLd me,
to the sweeT thingz you toLd me...
i juz cAn't fiNd a wAy...
to leT go of you...
"


omY.
illZ.

9/1 - Monumental Day.

Today iz Ben'z wedding celebration...and it'z simply amazing to witnezz true love being found.

Sooooo glad grAce flew in to Baltimore to attend the event~!!! Mizzed her ALOT...and I am super glad and thankful that I talked for a loooong time with grAce at her houze after the event.

A monumental heart-to-heart talk indeed... ;^)

Thereafter, it waz 11ish but I commemorated today by viziting The Bun Shop - a hippy coffee shop kY intro-ed to me....somewhere in Mount Vernon...and they open til 3am~!

Loving myself...;^)
illZ.