yezterdAy'z deAd.

stilL surpriZed at how mucH he rememberzzZ of whAt i toLd hiM befoRe...and i wondeR whAt elze he rememberzzZ thAt i don'T remembeR sAying?

one of the finAl songzzZ in one of the sfG folkie CDz i trAshed awAy.....juz kepT ringinG in my mind righT now:


"goNe awAy froM me" bY rAy lamontAge.

“
昨天已经过去了。
昨天已经死去了。
别再想此事了。。。
转身离开吧。
牵挂着。。。是沒用的。
牵挂着只会让你悲痛的回忆。
”

there'z alwAyz an unknowN tomorroW...

there'z alwAyz a knowN yezterdAy...

whicH yezterdAy do you wAnt to direcT your memorY to..?


a deAd memorY,
illZ.

Monumental Life Lesson: Look @ Myself.

I just re-read my previous 3 blog entries, and one of BHoP's advice kept ringing in my mind again:

"HY, you have to take a step back and look at yourself."

When sfG appeared in lab that morning, BHoP was talking with me and he told me my facial expression and tone immediately turned hostile - I knew I was stern but I didn't know I was so...unacceptably hostile - that'z not who I am.

That was the morning after sfG actually verbally abused me at our work place...performing personal attacks and hurling F-bombs at me. Again, no one has done that to me before. Thankfully I mainly maintained my composure...and it's just not me to attack someone in public like that. He used my personal information as his weapons to stab me in public...that hurt a hell lot. I held back the weapons I have and I did not rebut.

That evening, it took Pitango gelato, lotz of sea-conversation, and chucking half a bottle of red wine to recover.

~~~

Yeah, so I looked at myself.

Selfie-ing at the Brooklyn Museum:

What happened and how did things turn out like that?

BHoP said that in any quarrel, it is never a one-sided blame. All involved parties have their parts to play...and the most important thing is to recognize, admit, and apologize for your part of the puzzle.

"What can I do?" is an advice-question given to me by BHoP...always ask myself......"What can I do for the lab?"..."What can I do to make things better?"..."What can I do?".

Alot of thinking was done...alot of self-reflection was accomplished.

Thanks to advice from both BHoP and kY...the root of the problem is finally clear to me - it iz me.

I observe alot... (supposed trait of a Scientist?) but then in terms of my friendships, I observe and I don't give feedback. Along the way, when any of my friends does something that unhappifies me, I simply observe and remember, but I don't tell that person how I feel...these negativities snowball down a friendship hill and when the ultimatum comez..an avalanche of negativity takes over and then I unfriend that person based on a one-sided decision without discussions and without feeling the need for any explanation.

Wow.

I have been too focused on what I think.

I have learnt how to so honestly face myself for who I am (hopefully who I was as of now).

However, I have recognized that this is not the way to maintain any relationship.

The key is to discuss and voice my opinions along the way...and make the other person understand my point of view, and if this is reciprocal, this will be the ideal way to keep building a stronger relationship.

What an epiphany~!

I have to change myself - my style of maintaining relationships...and then thingz should be alot better between me and whatever and whoever I am involved with.

~~~

I was so guilty for the hatred and anger and hostility I had...and I also didn't know that what I say and type can be inciting - yet another lesson from BHoP.....yeah, I have to be very careful...typed words can be misleading, and misinterpreted in the wrong way. What I can accept might not be what others can accept. The best is to talk in person so the tone is apparent.

Wow, BHoP'z words are simply surging through my mind:
"You have to think before you speak..."
"The intention is the most important...think of the intention..."

I do have good memory...especially wise words from a wise man~ ;^)

~~~

Eventually, things are fine now.

I sat down and talked with sfG - without hostility and without any barriers/shields that I formed around myself...bcuz the need for self-protection from sfG was really self-inflicted. Also, his anger and hatred for me was actually caused by no other than me.

tG:
"Don't dwell on the past. Whatever happened is over. Let it go."

kY:
"He's oblivious...and that's just how he is."

BHoP:
"He's just who he is, and you have to accept him for who he is."

I am glad and thankful for all the wise humanz around me. I love all of them for who they are~ ;^)

Hmm, yeah, I have learnt how to accept the others simply as who they are.

Surprisingly...the talk was over 3 hrs? Through that, we understood each other alot alot alot more.

Of course, the key is to bravely admit to my own flaws and mistakes and apologize sincerely...and I promised to change myself for the better to be a better friend for him. Thus, our friendship has resurrected.

What's lost was lost (argH...the Folkie CDs...), what happened has happened - now it'z a new beginning~

I liked it when sfG told me while we were talking that he heard "Poison Cup" on the radio the other day.


"1...1...1 or 2 won't do."

~~~

This process is neverending - I gotta keep looking at myself (gotta flaunt that narcissism~!) while looking at others...and maintain a healthy mutual-reflection-feedback-loop.

Makes sense? Absolutely perfect sense~!

Me becoming a better human being as a whole~


Living with a smile~ ;^)
illZ w.h.Y?

I Became a Stronger Fighter.

"Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

"But don't...even begin feeling I'm the one to blame cuz you dug your own grave."

~~~

Today, for the first time in my life, someone walked out on me during a goodwill one-on-one conversation.

No one has ever done that to me before in my 30 years of living on Earth.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

My tone wasn't even harsh...it was really civil. And I was trying to state down the fact that I have already unfriended him. Can't he just accept the truth boldly?

Such ultimate rudeness is truly unforgettable and unforgivable...oh wait, there wasn't even an apology.

However, instead of bitching it out at him, I stayed calm and maintained my composure...I sat down, and typed out a 1000-word civil email to complete what I want to tell him, and then clicked "Send".

I guess I have truly matured to yet another higher level.

~~~

To the hopeless undeserving soul who seemingly purposely made me wait outside his apartment for an hour, whom I waited outside of his apartment for an hour to make sure he was fine, whom I hunted down when he was at his lowest state of mind to make sure he was fine, who walked out on me when I was talking to him, who totally took me for granted, who tells my dear friend delusional diminishing remarks about me, who stood up on me repeatedly, who doesn't appreciate me at all, blah blah blah...:

"I wonder how you can sleep at night, or even live your life? To me, you don't deserve to be a human being...I'm not gonna waste any more of my time on such a creature anymore. I am so fucking glad you have been officially deleted from my personal life.

But, thanks for making me a stronger fighter."


Truly amazed at how ugly a human can be,
illZ.

ddAo.

Can't believe I missed this song until this month:


"doG dAyz aRe oveR" bY Florence + The Machine

"The horses are coming...so you better run."

~~~

I waited for an hour on a cool and dark walkway opposite Patterson Park, and it rained for abit too.

Meanwhile, I texted him, emailed him right outside his apartment - no reply.

At the one-hour mark, I called his number, and he picked up. Talked for abit...mainly a one-way conversation from me, and then I left without the meeting that I initiated.

I think, if someone was stuck in the bathroom for an hour, something bad must have happened to that person. I am still human, so I do hope he is ok...and he sounded dopey...slurring some of his words.

Despite standing/sitting right outside his apartment for one straight hour, I didn't feel any anger. Because I recognize that he simply didn't get any of my texts/messages - I can't blame someone not in the know of things. But the disappointment kind of hurt.

But did he really...not know? Why was the crooked blind adjusted right after my first text? Perhaps it's his puppy who jumped so high? And you don't have to slide open your iPhone to read an incoming text...even if it doesn't say "Read" on my phone, the texts could still be read since the beginning. I am too observant. However, I still remained calm, with more disappointment.

It's the usual procrastination idea when he told me he will talk to me only tomorrow.

But, there is always a tomorrow.

~~~

Thinking back, he didn't even reply the email I sent him this morning.

Actually, this is the first time I initiated contact with someone I unfriended.

Usually, when I delete someone from my life, that person's gone and that's it. I don't explain why and how and whatever - that person should have the common sense to reflect on him/herself.

However, this person is abit different...that's why I feel he needs some special attention. He needs to be told what has happened by me in person. Because I don't wish to be responsible for whatever might happen to him...due to his seemingly very weak mind...which kY keeps emphasizing to me. I have no idea what other factors/stresses he has in his life, but I am just gonna clarify the part that involved me.

~~~

Growing old does mature a person's mind.

As years pass by, I realized I have been crossing borders and doing things that I didn't think I would ever do...

I slowly observe changes in me as a human being, hopefully positive changes. ;^)


Hoping for better mindful days,
illZ.

3s of (im)mAturity.

it'z beeN 10 dAyz.

and i stilL wannA repeAtedly sinG thiz sonG @ kAraoke:


"3s" bY kellY cheN.


"
i don'T expecT anythinG froM you anymoRe.
now i juz need you to understAnd:

you neveR mAterialized whAt you sAid you wouLd do...
youR wordZ souNd borinG to me alreAdy...
plz stoP showinG me your fAke smileY fAce...
and perisH in fronT of my eyezzZ.

the pAst shAll be forgotteN.
i hAve withdrAwn all my cAre and concerN for you.
i onlY grAnt you 3 secondzzZ...
to perisH in fronT of my eyezzZ.
and get ouT of my sighT~!!!
"


afteR weighinG the proz and conzzZ on an unbiAzed librA scAle, if thAt person'z not worthY of my time, efforT, and friendshiP, why botheR? and he'z literAlly the worsT - someone who doezn'T eveN knoW how to apologiZe wheN in the wronG...and turNed arouNd to criticiZe and diminisH me. bhoP advized me...thAt siNce hiz 20's, he hAz decided not to wAste his time on sucH peopLe.

it iz a mAture decisioN to unfrieNd someoNe for life. definitelY not some kindA childisH plAy...bcuZ a professionAl worK relAtionship will stilL exisT.

a cruciAl lessoN leArnt froM thiz fAiled friendshiP iz......not to be too nice bcuZ if you are, you wilL be exploiTed and tAken for grAnted.

but hoW nice iz nice? i guezZ...juz be yourseLf and trusT your intuitioN. and bhoP adviZed me befoRe...no one iz trulY bAd untiL thAt persoN reAlly screwz you oveR. i wouLd add thAt...no one iz trulY bAd untiL thAt persoN trulY pisseZ you off and iz totAlly unapologeTic.

hmM..........yupZ, boldlY unfrieNded~! *clApzzZ*


there'Z alwAyz mAturity withiN immAturity.
illZ.