I just re-read my previous 3 blog entries, and one of BHoP's advice kept ringing in my mind again:
"HY, you have to take a step back and look at yourself."
When sfG appeared in lab that morning, BHoP was talking with me and he told me my facial expression and tone immediately turned hostile - I knew I was stern but I didn't know I was so...unacceptably hostile - that'z not who I am.
That was the morning after sfG actually verbally abused me at our work place...performing personal attacks and hurling F-bombs at me. Again, no one has done that to me before. Thankfully I mainly maintained my composure...and it's just not me to attack someone in public like that. He used my personal information as his weapons to stab me in public...that hurt a hell lot. I held back the weapons I have and I did not rebut.
That evening, it took Pitango gelato, lotz of sea-conversation, and chucking half a bottle of red wine to recover.
Yeah, so I looked at myself.
Selfie-ing at the Brooklyn Museum:
What happened and how did things turn out like that?
BHoP said that in any quarrel, it is never a one-sided blame. All involved parties have their parts to play...and the most important thing is to recognize, admit, and apologize for your part of the puzzle.
"What can I do?" is an advice-question given to me by BHoP...always ask myself......"What can I do for the lab?"..."What can I do to make things better?"..."What can I do?".
Alot of thinking was done...alot of self-reflection was accomplished.
Thanks to advice from both BHoP and kY...the root of the problem is finally clear to me - it iz me.
I observe alot... (supposed trait of a Scientist?) but then in terms of my friendships, I observe and I don't give feedback. Along the way, when any of my friends does something that unhappifies me, I simply observe and remember, but I don't tell that person how I feel...these negativities snowball down a friendship hill and when the ultimatum comez..an avalanche of negativity takes over and then I unfriend that person based on a one-sided decision without discussions and without feeling the need for any explanation.
I have been too focused on what I think.
I have learnt how to so honestly face myself for who I am (hopefully who I was as of now).
However, I have recognized that this is not the way to maintain any relationship.
The key is to discuss and voice my opinions along the way...and make the other person understand my point of view, and if this is reciprocal, this will be the ideal way to keep building a stronger relationship.
What an epiphany~!
I have to change myself - my style of maintaining relationships...and then thingz should be alot better between me and whatever and whoever I am involved with.
I was so guilty for the hatred and anger and hostility I had...and I also didn't know that what I say and type can be inciting - yet another lesson from BHoP.....yeah, I have to be very careful...typed words can be misleading, and misinterpreted in the wrong way. What I can accept might not be what others can accept. The best is to talk in person so the tone is apparent.
Wow, BHoP'z words are simply surging through my mind:
"You have to think before you speak..."
"The intention is the most important...think of the intention..."
I do have good memory...especially wise words from a wise man~ ;^)
Eventually, things are fine now.
I sat down and talked with sfG - without hostility and without any barriers/shields that I formed around myself...bcuz the need for self-protection from sfG was really self-inflicted. Also, his anger and hatred for me was actually caused by no other than me.
"Don't dwell on the past. Whatever happened is over. Let it go."
"He's oblivious...and that's just how he is."
"He's just who he is, and you have to accept him for who he is."
I am glad and thankful for all the wise humanz around me. I love all of them for who they are~ ;^)
Hmm, yeah, I have learnt how to accept the others simply as who they are.
Surprisingly...the talk was over 3 hrs? Through that, we understood each other alot alot alot more.
Of course, the key is to bravely admit to my own flaws and mistakes and apologize sincerely...and I promised to change myself for the better to be a better friend for him. Thus, our friendship has resurrected.
What's lost was lost (argH...the Folkie CDs...), what happened has happened - now it'z a new beginning~
I liked it when sfG told me while we were talking that he heard "Poison Cup" on the radio the other day.
"1...1...1 or 2 won't do."
This process is neverending - I gotta keep looking at myself (gotta flaunt that narcissism~!) while looking at others...and maintain a healthy mutual-reflection-feedback-loop.
Makes sense? Absolutely perfect sense~!
Me becoming a better human being as a whole~
Living with a smile~ ;^)