I have not blogged in a looooooong time.
I shall try to type as "normally" as I can for this comeback entry, because at the slightest chance and with the lowest hope, I wish to facilitate Anonymous (whoever you are) to read this entry.
The prelude to this is my entry titled "grid unlocKed
~!!!!!" from back in 1/4/2011.
Anonymous left me some thought-provoking-turned-crude comments which I could not publish back then, but I am more than ready to reveal here now.
Be warned about disrespectful homophobic comments - what Anonymous typed was some of the most homo-degrading words thrown into my eyes. Do not feel angry in any way because it was mainly a personal attack targeted at me. Her/his words no longer disrupt my inner equilibrium, but I feel the need to respond to his/her final comment publicly, considering the "Comments" section should be a totally transparent platform for the blogger to interact with his/her visitors.
Quick recap that led to this explosion of comments:
I blogged about conquering an online game called gridlock
. Metaphorically, my bestie see-whY compared the game to her life in general, where she felt trapped in a grid and could not move forward with life. I elaborated that life is truly similar to gridlock and we all want to keep moving on with life by progressing through the levels. And then I talked about moving on with life by letting go, which I perceive as one of my core life skills.
Anonymous began by acknowledging my usual pessimistic blogging style and said that there's "nothing left" after solving the game, but later said he was teasing me for a reaction. On my part, I started to hypothesize that he/she was someone who was trapped in life, which induced him/her to think I passed unsolicited judgement on him/her. I apologize for my "judgement", but it was just a friendly comment and I thought we could be friends. And then I responded with my all time favorite analogy of a two-sided coin:
I hereby release Anonymous' unpublished reply:
This reply did make me smile. In a way, Anonymous got it right. In 2011, I was an immature boy in my late 20's who often joked about being 10 years old mentally. Anonymous then passed judgement on me by typing that he hoped for me to come out as a gay man in the year of the Rabbit. At that point, I thought Anonymous might be a gay man too, someone who is also Asian, someone who knows the zodiac years. I am happy that he was "loud and proud" by then and could form "mature and adult relationships with others". He was nice to apologize at the end just in case he misjudged me.
Yes, I am gay. I was finally brave enough to come out only in 2013, when I turned 30. I grew up suppressed in the homophobic Singapore and thus, my emotions were truly "rather raw and under-developed", exactly the way Anonymous described. It took me 5 independent years in the states to figure out the life I want for myself before I finally came out, thankfully with the love and support of my "family" members in the land of the free.
Anyway, because I wasn't out, I could only respond with:
Again, I hereby release Anonymous' unpublished reply. He totally flipped out:
I was still very fragile back then, and I was totally destroyed by those disrespectful words.
I didn't think I provoked Anonymous enough to induce him to spill lava at me. The most unfortunate part is that I still think Anonymous is someone who knows me in real life, or worse, someone around me in my daily life, who knows about my blog, the way I walk, the clothes I wear, etc.
"Just another faggy virgin asian boy who has to resort to be a homo because no girl in her right mind would fuck you"
Seriously, everyone's born the way they are. Gays are simply gay. Homosexuals did not become homosexual simply because no one of the opposite gender would copulate with them. This is a basic fact that anyone with a kind heart knows...which apparently, Anonymous' twisted logic and bashful mind had zero knowledge of.
Dear reader, how do you feel about those words now that you've read til this point? Thanks for still reading. Please don't be angry and please don't curse at Anonymous.
Back then, I had no fucking idea why Anonymous had to bash me like that. Oh, but I did appreciate his comment about a coin having "infinite number of sides". But besides that one meaningful sentence, dude, what the fuck?
Nowadays, I simply read and re-read his comments with sympathizing smiles.
Anonymous, whoever you are, I hope you have found peace with your mind. I hope you have learnt how to be more understanding towards people in your life. Everyone deserves to be respected for simply being who they are, at whichever points in their lives. You probably sensed that I was trapped unwillingly in my closet back then, but it was the will in my unwillingness that kept me alive. Sexuality is definitely a sensitive subject, especially for someone who is figuring things out, or maybe who has too many factors to consider before coming out. Sadly, some people never made it out of their titanium-clad closets. If Anonymous was truly considerate, he would have approached me in a totally different way. However, I have learnt how to forgive, and I forgave his disdainful comments.
Why do I always forgive? Because BHoP taught me that forgiving is not forgetting, but remembering with progressively less pain.
Now, I remember Anonymous with no pain. Anonymous, I sincerely hope that you have become a man over the past few years, because I certainly have. Thank you for contributing to my maturity. :^)
Belated, but better late than never,